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Prev: The Return <<<
 Page 4 of 9 Once again, things went back to being normal. I did walk away with the urge to read the Bible, suddenly convinced, for the first time in my life, that there is a God. I had these strange ideas that 'they'( as I prefered to think of them) had been involved with our race for a long time, through our many religious teachers, and possibly from the beginning of man! I didn't, and still don't know where exactly I got this, but I felt secretly convinced. With time I began to look back at what had happened, wanting to analyze it objectively, find out how it fit in with my new found faith, and find out why exactly I had had this psychotic episode in the first place, and if I needed to be put on medication to avoid going through that again! I found a psychoanalyst who was American, but who practiced fairly far away from my home. I was willing to go to any length to get to the bottom of this . After a few months of exploring my past, and letting him learn everything about me, I finally told him about my experiences. He took a few weeks to think about it, and we tried to cover every angle possible, but eventually, he had no answer for me. He found me to be quite sane, relatively intelligent , and very insightful. He could not find a reason for my psychotic hallucinations. He did think, though, that it would probably not ever happen again, considering my healthy state of mind at the moment. That was not the full answer I was hoping to find, but it was enough to reassure me and enable me to put it all behind me - for a while.......... Many months after I stopped my analysis, things started to get weird again (so much for the Doc's opinion!). The vibration returned, and this time my husband heard it too. I began to feel that old apprehension, but said nothing. It grew and grew, for a week, until once again I was keeping the lights on at night. Then one evening I felt a sort of emotional numbness come over me. I had a terrible migraine, and although I'd been afraid for days of a replay of the last « wierd night », I just stopped caring. I said to hell with 'em, all I could think about was the pain in my head, and an incredible urge to sleep. At nine o'clock I took a hot bath, laying even my head under water. My actions, and my state of mind were not at all habitual that evening. For one, I would not normally wet my head late at night, because my long, thick, blond hair takes hours to dry in broad daylight, it would stay soaked all night. Then, after the bath, I found myself nude, in front of the mirror, just slicking my hair back into a ponytail (again, not normal, to let my hair dry with a kinked rubberband mark) Moving very slowly, taking care not to put any lotions on myself, thinking nothing at all; except feeling a sort of resignation, a serious sadness. When I saw the look on my face in the mirror, I was hit with the idea that I seemed a warrior performing some sort of cleansing ritual before going off to fight.- It is a little melodramatic, I know, but such is the image that sprung into my mind. It all seemed a bit unreal. When I came out, my husband was already asleep in bed, though he is usually a 'night person' who stays up until one each night, and neither of us ever went to bed without the other.Again, I didn't care, I felt numb and void of thought. For a long time I could not fall asleep, despite my fatigue, because the vibrations were so strong I felt my head would burst. Around midnight, our dog began to bark wildly. This too was strange, for he was a Husky, and I think that until that day, we had never heard him bark! He did a lot of whining, and wolf-like howling, but never barked. Finally my husband awoke, grumbling about the noise and asking himself what the hell is wrong with that dog! I remember sitting up and telling him it was the vibrations, they were so strong it was probably hurting his ears. I saw him dress and head down the hall to go outside and bring the dog indoors, I heard him bring the dog into the garage, and heard him walking back down the hall. I was up and watching the door, waiting to see him enter, so I could ask if he'd seen anything like a small animal outside that could have caused the dog's wild behavior, but I never saw him come into the room. Once again, at that moment, the black curtain came down, I'd been cut off,again. Next: Full Involvement >>> |